produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org can. >> ste tonight scandal at the c.i.a. why can't claire danes get her [bleep] together. can meth be medicine. four out of five spiders on your face say yes. that all humans came from africa. >> see, i told you obama was from kenya. >> the president is about to pardon a turkey. what did the turkey know about benghazi. this is the "the colbert report".

welcome to the program, everybody. [applause]. >> ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. >> thank you for joining us. i'm in the tv biz where it's all about the demographics. the demo we call it. i work hard to appeal to the millenials, for example, by calling them millenials. young people love to be target

marketed by their birthdate and marketing power. >> you know "gangnam style." no idea what that means but they eat it up. that's right. that's why i stay up on all of the hottest millennial trends. right now there is nothing that 18 to 34 love more than soup player. you need proof. let me school on america's hottest liquid food trend. campbell's go the new youth skewing line of soups made especially for millenials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing. the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. this generation will go in history for demanding different soup. >> according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of soups designed for people like you.

fun, busy. youngish. i think this marketing campaign is greatish. these hey these cans of soup can't get any more dope. they come in a bag now. yeah. look at that guy. look that guy right there. he's going, what up, soup? just jam a straw in it. >> it's like capri soup. and because it's so hip home slice. you're not going to see ads on the tv. that's for squares. you got to surf over to the campbell go website with edgy tumbler graphics and relentless energy one associates with soup.

of course, you're probably thinking, what's soup without music. that's what i thought. they've got that covered that too. >> campbell's has partnered with the music service spotify. customers can make playlists inspired by soup. >> soup inspired playlists. it's like a mix tape you make for your girlfriend, only your girlfriend is a bag of soup. for example, i chose tom petty's a wasted life to describe whoever came up with this marketing campaign. soup.

now, nation, every since former c.i.a. former david petraeus announced his torrid affair the scandal has the entire news scape in a tizzy. >> the sex scandal has rocked washington. a salacious sex scandal involving the now former c ic.i director. >> breaking new details on the fast moving c.i.a. sex scandal. i'm dying to ask you about this scandal. it's all anybody is talking about. yeah. the sex scandal is all anyone in washington can talk about. i wonder why the country is in financial ruins? now, folks i may be a news junkie but also i got to have my stories. and this is both -- it's like a seamy episode of general hospital.

and these days these days, folks, i spend my afternoons plopped on the couch in the housecoat watching cnn with a virginia slim in one hand and a box of the after ace in the other. this story has got everything. a decorated war hero homeowners america's spymaster. has an affair with his own sexy biographer who thinks that the spymaster with another biographer. she sends an e mame from a second e-mail and saying step out bitch. and the second haughty and contacts her friend f.b.i. agent who launches an investigation but he sexed her a shirtless photo.

>> meanwhile the spymaster's protege also a general have sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. this is isn't a love triangle it's a love pentagon >> i got to say after that, it gets a little far-fetched. i mean, all of a sudden the second woman has an emotionally trouble identicaltw and both the spymaster write letters of support for her twin sister's custody battle with the ex. listen to the name they came up with for him. >> grayson wolf. >> we don't have a picture of him. just put up a visual approximation. that's right. it's not believable anymore. i think that the news has jumped the shark. and the most unbelievable part, they say that that the general down there that general over

there, he is the top commander of our war in afghanistan. afghanistan, really? please. if our troops were still fighting in afghanistan don't think we'd be hearing about that on the news instead of all of this [bleep]. anyway, bottom line it's a soap opera, and it is done. we should all move on. >> oh, this is far from over. susan lucci. >> oh, yes. and there's more. general petraeus has developed amnesia, and can't remember that he's pregnant.

by his own evil twin. who's in a coma. and is my lover. >> that doesn't make any sense. >> how dare you. >> how could you do that from over there? >> don't you remember? i was in a boating accident and now i have telekinesis. just like general petraeus.

>> i still think it's [bleep]. >> yeah. you're probably right. >> susan lucci, everybody. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks, folks. nation, you know, you've heard it many nath nathan. >> welcome back, everybody. thanks folks. you know, you've heard it many times they say that laughter is the best medicine. which is why i chuckle at sick people. this is cheating death with dr. steven colbert, dfa. this girl where's the pretty lady? >> that's a two, my friend. a quick disclaimer i'm not a medical doctor. i have an honoree doctorate in fine arts which is why i give pap smears to georgia o'keefe paintings. as always cheating death is brought to you by prescott our products are made

with tlc. tetro lycine hydrochloride. not a provne carcinogen. first up drug health. a new study in taiwan could lead to a new way to battle influenza. taiwanese found that meth may have have flu fighting properties. no surprise after all it's feed a fever, starve a cold. lose all your teeth to flu. this was made when meth would increase user's risk for getting sick with the flu. but in a surprising result when they exposed cells to meth it reduced virus propagation, and the susceptibility to influenza infection. that's right. meth will fight off your flu. which is only fair which is meth is the reason you were sleeping

naked outside in the first place. the point is that other than brain damage, heart disease and psychosis, and destroying or own life and others meth is good for you. now, while meth is great for the flu you can't pop into a cvs to get it. it's a little inconvenient to drive to kentucky to drive for a consultation in kentucky with dr. banjos. >> each vax lab kit comes with everything you need. you can make it in your own home. it comes with sudafed. red phosphorous. lye, duct tape, a gun and a pair of spare eyebrows you'll need if

you survive the explosion. side effects are vaxilab may include adult onset spiedering. inflamed garage, and occasional bouts of waking while driving a oldsmobile through a cornfield. well folks that's it for cheating death. brought to you by prescott farm suit kuls. prescott what doesn't kill you makes you part of our class action settlement. until next time i'll see you in

>> welcome back everybody. >> my guest tonight is a renowned paleoanthropologist who studies the origins of mankind. i guess it's up to me to tell him about the birds and the bees. >> please welcome chris stringer. >> str stringer thanks so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> one of the world's for most pal paleoanthropologists. >> yeah it's a long word. >> and the longer the word the

smarter you must be. 100,000. >> possibly. >> the fellow of the royal society and you have a new book called lone survivors, how we came to be the only humans on earth. >> got to say not a great photo of you on the cover there. >> gained a few pounds. >> yes. >> lone survivors. the only humans on earth. there are only humans on earth. humans are the only humans. what do you mean by this. >> well, if you go back 100,000 years ago. >> i rarely do. i top at 6,000 years. >> and then there were at least five kinds of humans on the earth. there were knneanderthals in europe. they were as yew called the deniciban.

there were people in java, and hobbit living on the island of flores and we're the only survivors. one of the questions why we're the only ones left. which were we. >> we were the one evolving in africa. homo sapiens. and then in 60,000 years ago we started to come out of africa. >> where did the neanderthals come from if they weren't from africa. >> we have a common ancestor with the neanderthals and we went in our own direction. high doe man. >> was that in africa. >> that species lived in europe, asia, and africa. then it started to evolve into north of the mediterranean and asia it became the others.

>> did we -- we kicked a little ass. neanderthal ass. one view we wiped these species out. >> it looks more complicated. it was a complete wipeout as we've learned in the last couple of years. >> what do you mean. there were no neanderthals left. >> there was a little interbreeding. >> come on. >> you and i have a little bit of neanderthal in us. what part of us? >> is the guy that comes out when i'm drunk? >> he's rough trade. >> yes. >> but probably it's in your d.n.a. but it may not be showing physically. is it doing anything in there or is it like a sleeper cell. it's like a terrorist sleeper cell. it's not doing too much. so interbred with the neanderthals. basically we have d.n.a. from the neanderthals. fossils now, and we've recreated most of their genome.

we find people outside of africa, and europe, native-americans they've got a little bit of the neanderthal d.n.a. in them. kind for the neanderthals it's a change of relationship. i used to think they completely died out. now we know they didn't die out. some of their d.n.a. lives in us. >> could we get get a neanderthal back by selective breeding. 80s question of science. >> that's a good question. >> that's a good question. i was in debate in a couple of weeks ago about cloning a neanderthal. it's the sort of thing we said was impossible. now at least some idiot with arrogance could one day probably do it. you're singing my song, sir. >> yes. >> are we still evolving. we are still evolving.

what's next for us. >> i think we can say what isn't going to happen. you see these diagrams of these people. these stick people with great big brains. that's not going to happen. >> exactly. that is not going to happen. >> our brains have gotten smaller over the last 20,000 years. overall we have actually had shrinking brains in the 20,000 years. >> is our gut evolving. it's interesting. there's a things called the expensive tissue hypothesis. so we used to our ancestors had big guts because they were vegetarian. they never had spare energy. because their guts were using 20% of their energy. they never had spare energy to develop their brain. and when we started eating meat it freed up energy. we could start to run a bigger brain. and that's why vegetarianism seems so stupid to me. >> thank you so much for joining me.

the book is long survivors chris stringer. we'll be right back.íñwn8f9f9nn

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, hi there. i was just waiting for the camera to come back on and give my life meaning. last month, we hi there. last month we celebrated the seventh anniversary of the "the colbert report." i didn't mention it at the time because america was thoughtlessly holding its presidential campaign during my special day. you know i've been thinking about the last seven years, and 1,118 shows. what were our triumphs, sand wht were our failures. traditionally the 7 answer verse re-gift was wool. so i was going to get you sheep. i present "the colbert report" 7

seventh anniversary portrait. it like a picture of the doorin gray only in this case while the painting remains young and have i bunt i wither to a husk of my former myself and i'm holding my new book america again, re-becoming the greatness we never weren't. it makes a great gift for anyone having their portrait done. >> this entire show would not be possible without you. >> it's a portrait of you in the form of me. and i have to say you look